The Special Higher Initiative in Technology

Amitabha Mukerjee

In this  era of economic liberalization, Ignorant Eye has come to
learn from  reliable sources  that the  IITs will  now be  funded
through the  new Special  Higher Initiative in Technology program
(S.H.I.T.). Following  is a  verbatim  quote  from  a  government
document:


     From: Boss In General,  Special Higher Initiative in
          Technology (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

     Subject: Special Higher Initiative in Technology

     This is to announce a new program called Special Higher
     Initiative in Technology (S.H.I.T.), which will be
     immediately responsible for funding technical education.
     All technical institutions will now be filled with S.H.I.T.
     There are several categories of S.H.I.T.:

     a) Technically Undernourished Rural Development (T.U.R.D.
          S.H.I.T.), this is the normal category.

     b) Low Investment Quick Utility Internalization Devices
          (L.I.Q.U.I.D. S.H.I.T.) This is a low grade of S.H.I.T,
          indicative of poor system function. It is hoped that
          L.I.Q.U.I.D. S.H.I.T. will be a passing phase.

     c) Regional Educational Centers Of Rupture Development
          (R.E.C.O.R.D. S.H.I.T.). These are to be centers of
          excellence for pollution technology.

     d) Centers Of Mediocre Manual Direct Education
          (C.O.M.M.O.D.E. S.H.I.T.); these institutions have been
          the repository of too much Western influenced S.H.I.T.
          Indian techniques, which are also biologically more
          natural, will be encouraged in the future.

     e) Highest Orphans of Technology (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.), which
          will include the IITs and such.  These institutions
          will be fed more S.H.I.T than all the other categories
          put together.

     For those not qualifying under the S.H.I.T. programs, there
     is the UNDP program on Foreign Assisted Rarefied Technology
     (F.A.R.T.) which will be a lighter, more airy program for
     providing relief in the lower sections. Here there will be
     categories such as Wireless Intensive Nature Development
     (W.I.N.D.), with instruction on Generally Assorted Subjects
     (G.A.S.).

     All S.H.I.T. officials are requested to help spread the
     S.H.I.T. as far and wide as possible.


As part  of the  re-organization program,  all students and staff
will be  required to  attend our  Basic Undergrowth Lota Lectures
(B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T).  Those doing  well in this course, i.e. those
who are  full of B.U.L.L., will be awarded special medals made of
Deposited Residues  of Yore  (D.R.Y. S.H.I.T.). Since the faculty
have all taken enough S.H.I.T. before they were hired, they don't
have to do any more S.H.I.T, and are all full of S.H.I.T already.

But is  there sufficient  S.H.I.T. to  go around?  Although it is
well known  that there is no shortage of S.H.I.T. in the country,
improper distribution  has resulted  in extremely  high  S.H.I.T.
imbalances, especially  at the  top institutes.  In case you feel
you are  not getting  your rightful  share of  S.H.I.T., you  can
contact the  Directorate, Educational Enhancement Policy, Special
Higher Initiative  in  Technology  (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.),  who  will
place you  at the  top of their S.H.I.T. list.  However, Ignorant
Eye has  learned that  in the  past  this  Directorate  has  sent
frequent complainers  to the Executive Attitude Training programs
(E.A.T.  S.H.I.T.),   known  to   be  an  extremely  disagreeable
experience.

It is expected that S.H.I.T. will usher in a fecund atmosphere of
multisensory  experience   and  exhilarating  naturalism  at  IIT
Kanpur.
                              - Your humble servant, Ignorant Eye