topics: |  humour | comic

Excerpts

p.8
[Moe has been bullying Calvin…]
C: I don’t understand it, Hobbes. What makes some people so greedy and mean?
   Why is it that some people don’t care what’s wrong and right? Why don’t
   people try to be nice to each other?
H: The problem with people is that they’re only human.
C: Well, you’re lucky you don’t have to be one.

p.9
 
C: You know, sometimes the world seems like a pretty mean place.
H: That’s why animals are so soft and huggy.
   C (hugging Hobbes): …Yeah…

 
p.23
Dad is making up an explanation for old photos being black and white…
C: The world is a complicated place, Hobbes.
H: Whenever it seems that way, I take a nap in a tree and wait for dinner.

p.25
Calvin wants Susie to do research for him for a school project
H: How’d it go?
C: I really loathe girls.

p.27
C: I’ve been thinking, Hobbes.
H: On a weekend?
C: Well it wasn’t on purpose...
   I believe history is a force.
   Its unalterable tide sweeps all people and institutions along its
   unrelenting path. Everything and everyone serves history’s single purpose.
H: And what is that purpose?
C: Why, to produce me, of course! I’m the end result of history.
H: You?
C: Think of it! Thousands of generations lived and died to produce my exact,
   specific parents, whose reason for being, obviously, was to produce me…

p.29
C: I was reading about how countless species are being pushed toward
   extinction by man’s destruction of forests.
   Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in
   the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

p.30
 
C: I wonder why man was put on earth. What’s our purpose? Why are we here?
H: Tiger food.

p.41
H: Want to go play outside?
C: No, it’s too much trouble. First I’ have to get up. Then I’d have to put on
   a coat. Then I’d have to find my hat and put it on. (sigh) Then we’d run
   around and I’d get tired, and when we came in I’d have to take all that
   stuff off. No way.
H: So what are you going to do instead?
C: I’m just going to sit here and wait for a good tv show to come on.
H: I’ll tell your mom to turn you toward the light and water you periodically.
C: Instead of making smart remakrs, you could get me the remote control.

p.43
Mom: What are you doing still in bed?! I’ve called you three times! You’re
     going to miss the bus!
C: That’s the idea. I’m staying in bed until Christmas. I want tons of loot
   this year, and I figure my chances of being good improve greatly if I
   don’t get up.
M: disobeying your mother and missing the bus isn’t good. It’s bad.
C: That darn Santa has got me every way I turn.

p.46
C: Want to help me write a book?
H: Sure. What’s it about?
C: Well, you know what historical fiction is? This is sort of like that. I’m
   writing a fictional autobiography.
   It’s the story of my life, but with a lot of parts completely made up.
H: Why would yuou make up your own life?
C: Because in my book I have a flame thrower!
--

[Calvin, pencil stuck behind ear, is interviewing mom for his newspaper which
reports on events of the household]
C: Ok.  What are you cutting up there for dinner?
M: Fish.
C. KNIFE WIELDING MOTHER HACKS ICHTYOID! GRIM MELEE IS EVENING RITUAL!
   SUBURBAN FAMILY DEVOURS VICTIM!
M: Out of the kitchen! Out! Out!

p.48:
poem on “Christmas Eve”, about how C and hobbes are cuddled up near the fire
     and H is rolling over every now and then : When the fire makes him hot /
     He turns to warm whatever's not.

p.50
H: A new decade is coming up.
C: Yeah, big deal! Hmph.
   Where are the flying cars? Where are the moon colonies? Where are the
   personal robots and the zero gravity boots, huh? You call this a new
   decade?! You call this the future? HA!
   Where are the rockert packs? Where are the disintergration rays? Where are
   the floating cities?
H: Frankly, I’m not sure people have the brains to manage the technology
   they’ve got.
C: I mean, look at this! We still have weather?! Give me a break!

p.55:
 
Calvin has transformed his transmogrifier into a duplicator.
C: Ok Hobbes, press the button and duplicate me.
H: Are you sure this is such a good idea?
C: Brother! You doubting Thomases get in the way of more scientific advances
   with you stupid ethical questions! This is a brilliant idea! Hit the
   button, will ya?
H: I’d hate to be accused of inhibiting scientific progress… here you go.
(BOINK)
    Scientific progress goes “BOINK”?
C: It worked! It worked! I’m a genius!
   (No you’re not, you liar! I invented this!)

[Calvin makes his duplicate so the dup can take up all the nasty stuff in
life - but turns out the duplicate out-calvins him... ]

p.75
C & H warm themselves by the fire, get too hot, cool off in the snow, then run
	back to the fire…
C: If there’s more to life than this, I don’t know what

p.96-101
At recess, calvin is only boy who did not sign up to play baseball- later he’s
teased and decides to sign up
S: Why didn’t you sign up to play baseball, like the rest of the boys? Don’t
   you like sports?
C: I dunno. I’d just rather run around.
   I hate all the rules and organization and teams and ranks in sports.
   Somebody’s always yelling at you, telling you where to be, what to do, and
   when to do it.
   I figure when I want that, I’ll join the army and at least get paid
…
D: I hear you signed up to play softball at recess.
C: Yeah, but I didn’t even want to. I just did it to stop getting teased.
D: Well, sports are good for you. They teach teamwork and cooperation. You
   learn how to win graciously and accept defeat. It builds character.
C: Every time I’ve built character, I’ve regretted it. I don’t want to learn
   teamwork! I don’t want to learn about winning and losing! Heck, I don’t
   even want to compete! What’s wrong with just having fun by yourself, huh?!
D: When you grow up, it’s not allowed.
C: All the more reason I should do it now!
C: You’re lucky that girls don’t have to put up with this nonsense. If a girl
   doesn’t want to play sports, that’s fine!
   But if a guy doesn’t spend his afternoons chasing some stupid ball, he’s
   called a wimp! You girls have it easy!
S: On the other hand, boys aren’t expected to spend their lives 20 pounds
   underweight.
C: And if you don’t play sports, you don’t get to make beer commercials!t

p.104
[Dad telling bedtime story, about C disturbbing him]
D: At last Calvin and Hobbes went outside, and it was nice and quiet in the
   house again. At least for awhile. Well, good night!
C: Good night?! That’s not the end! You didn’t even get us to lunchtime!
D: That’s right…it’s not the end of the story. This story doesn’t have an
   end. You and Hobbes will write more of it tomorrow and every day after. But
   now it’s time to sleep, so good night.
C: Oh! OK, good night.
C: This is a good story about us if it doesn’t end! That’s the kind of story I
   like best! Good night, ol’ buddy!
H: Me too! See you tomorrow!

p.109
C: Hey Dad, would you pay me a dollar to eat a bug?
D: No, you’d have to eat a bucket of bugs before I’d pay you a dollar.
C: A whole bucket?
D: Or I’d pay you a dollar to pick up sticks in the back yard.
C: All my real skills are undervalued (as he picks up sticks).

p.113
The “I’m very sorry” song

p.118
C: My life could be a lot better than it is.
   I’m happy, but it’s not like I’m ecstatic.
   Life is like topography, Hobbes. There are summits of happiness and
   success…
   …flat stretches of boring routine…
   …and valleys of frustration and failure.
   But I’m dedicating myself to experiencing only peaks! I want my life to be
   one never ending ascension!
   Each minute of every day should bring me greater joy than theh previous
   minute!
   I should always be saying, “My life is better than I ever imagined it would
   be, and it’s only going to improve.”

Topic index

from James Yolkowski

Hobbes :	8-12, 14, 16, 19, 20, 22-28, 30, 37, 40-47, 49-58, 60-62, 64,
	67, 68, 70, 71, 73-86, 88-94, 97, 98, 101, 102, 104-107, 109, 112,
	113, 115, 117-119, 121-127
Mom :	5, 9, 11, 13, 14, 18, 20-23, 30, 34, 37, 39, 41, 43, 46, 47, 50, 52,
	56-58, 60, 61, 63, 64, 69, 71, 74, 76, 77, 79, 82, 83, 85, 87-89, 91,
	92, 94, 95, 98, 103-105, 107-112, 117, 121, 122, 125
Dad :	5, 9, 11, 13, 14, 20, 23, 24, 29, 39-41, 47, 49, 58, 63, 64, 74, 79,
	80, 83, 87, 89, 91, 94, 97, 98, 104, 105, 107, 109, 117, 119-121,
	126, 127
Suzie Derkins :	19, 25, 29, 44, 52-54, 59, 62, 66, 70, 73, 96, 99, 114, 116
Mrs. Wormwood :	15, 26, 39, 59, 65, 66, 103, 111
Rosalyn :	11-14, 89-92
Moe :	6-8, 38, 77, 97, 110
The Principal :	59
Wagon Rides :	102, 118
School :	15, 26, 38, 39, 59, 65, 66, 77, 96, 103, 110, 111, 114
Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs :	21, 86
Bathtime :	85, 88, 89, 95
Pouncing :	19, 30, 67, 88, 106
Baseball :	96-101
Bedtime :	47, 87
Scrabble :	76
Snowballs :	49, 50, 52-54, 62, 71
Spaceman Spiff :	38, 72, 95, 100, 111, 112, 114
Tracer Bullet :	65, 66
Snowmen :	50, 53, 54, 69, 73, 74
Monsters under the Bed :	41, 77
Stupendous Man :	17, 18, 90-92, 116, 121
Christmas :	40, 43-45, 48, 49
Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie :	47, 104
Homework :	17, 18, 24, 25, 32, 34, 37, 77, 83, 105, 107, 112
Transmogrifier :	61
Waiting for the bus :	25, 43, 44, 59, 76, 79, 99
Dinner table :	5, 41, 108, 109, 121
Time Machine :	123-125
Photographs :	125, 126
Dinosaurs :	15, 78, 124
Toboggan Rides :	49, 52, 54, 64, 68, 70, 71, 73, 76
Aliens :	87, 107
Cafeteria :	29, 110
Calvinball :	101, 113
G.R.O.S.S. :	10, 81
Duplicator :	55-61
Gravity :	32-34
Tuna :	82

links

http://www.generationterrorists.com/quotes/calvinandhobbes.html