topics: |  romance | gender | how-to

Falling in love is always magical. It feels eternal, as if love will
last forever. We naively believe that somehow we are exempt from the
odds that love will die, assured that it is meant to be and that we
are destined to live happily ever after. . . . with the best and most
loving intentions love continues to die. Somehow the problems creep
in. The resentments build. Communications break down. Mistrust
increases. Rejection and suppression result. The magic of love is
lost. - p.13

Each year millions of couple join together in love and then painfully
separate because they have lost that loving feeling. From those who
are able to sustain love long enough to get married, only 50 percent
stay married. Out of those who stay together, probably another 50
percent are not fulfilled.  They stay together out of loyalty and
obligation or from the fear of starting over.  - p.14

When a woman loves a man she feels responsible to assist him in
growing and tries to help him improve the way he does things. She
forms a home improvement committee, and he becomes her primary focus.
No matter how much he resists her help, she persists -- waiting for
any opportunity to help him or tell him what to do. She thinks she is
nurturing him, while he feels he's being controlled.  - p.15

The most frequently expressed complaint women have about men is that
they don't listen. Either a man completely ignores her when she speaks
to him, or he listens for a few beats, assesses what is bothering her,
and then proudly puts on his Mr. Fix-it cap and offers her a solution
to make her feel better. He is confused when she doesn't appreciate
this gesture of love. . . . THe most frequently expressed complaint
men have about women is that women are always trying to change them. -
p.16

Men are more interested in "objects" and "things" rather than in
people and feelings. . . . while women fantasize about romance, men
fantasize about powerful cars, faster gadgets, gizmos and technology.
. . . He keeps his problems to himself unless he requires help
. . . Talking about a problem [among men] is an invitation for
advice. Another Martian feels honoured by the
opportunity. Automatically he puts on his Mr. Fix-It hat, and begins
giving advice. . .

[To a woman innocently airing her problems] once he has offered his
advice it becomes increasingly difficult for him to listen because his
solution is being rejected and he feels increasingly useless.

Martians view going to a restaurant as an efficient way to approach
food: no shopping, no cooking, and no washing dishes. . For Venusians,
going to lunch is an opportunity to nurture a relationship, for both
giving support to and receiving support from a friend. Women's
restaurant talk can be very open and intimate, almost like the
dialogue that occurs between therapist and patient.

Because proving one's competence is not as important to a Venusian,
offering help is not offensive, and needing help is not a sign of
weakness.

EXAMPLE (p.22)
   Mary comes home from work exhausted.
   She says, "There is so much to do; I don't have any time to myself."
   Tom says, "You should quit that job. You don't have to work so
hard.  Find something you like to do."
   Mary says, "But I like my job. They just expect everything at a
moment's notice."
   Tom says, "Don't listen to them. Just do what you can do."
   Mary says, "I am! I can't believe I completely forgot to call my
aunt today."
   Tom says, "Don't worry about it, she'll understand."
   Mary says, "Do you know what she's going through? She needs me."
   Tom says, "You worry too much, that's why you're so unhappy."
   Mary angrily says, "I am not always unhappy. Can't you just listen
to me?"
   Tom says, "I am listening."
   Mary says, "Why do I even bother?"

---
After Tom learned how to listen. p.23
---

M: "There is so much to do. I don't have no time for me."
T (takes a deep breath, relaxes on the exhale): Humph, sounds like you
  had a hard day.
M: They expect me to change everything at a moment's notice. I don't know
  what to do."
T (after pause): Hmmmm
M: I even forgot to call my aunt.
T: Oh no.
M: She needs me so much right now. I feel so bad.
T: You are such a loving person. Come here, let me give you a hug.

Not only Mary but also Tom felt better.

--
Pre-modern Europe believed that a woman who had sex before marriage
might carry the imprint of her lover within her, so that her child
born in wedlock would resemble the earlier lover, rather than the
husband.  This served to justify the premium placed on female
chastity. - Jonathan Marks, Shanghai Daily, Nov 19 2004

---

Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time,
but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any
housework. That, he declared, was woman's work! But one evening
Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of
wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the
stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was
astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on.

It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine
article that suggested working wives would be more romantically
inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the
housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job.

The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the
office. "How did it work out?" they asked. Mary said. "Charley even
cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry
and put everything away. I really enjoyed my evening."

"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know. "It didn't
work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."

---
blurb:
Popular marriage counselor and seminar leader John Gray provides a unique,
practical and proven way for men and women to communicate and relate better
by acknowledging the differences between them. Once upon a time Martians and
Venusians met, fell in love, and had happy relationships together because
they respected and accepted their differences. Then they came to earth and
amnesia set in: they forgot they were from different planets.

Using this metaphor to illustrate the commonly occurring conflicts between
men and women, Gray explains how these differences can come between the sexes
and prohibit mutually fulfilling loving relationships.

Based on years of successful counseling of couples, he gives advice on how to
counteract these differences in communication styles, emotional needs and
modes of behavior to promote a greater understanding between individual
partners. Gray shows how men and women react differently in conversation and
how their relationships are affected by male intimacy cycles ('get close, '
'back off'), and female self-esteem fluctuations ('I'm okay, ' 'I'm not
okay'). He encourages readers to accept the other gender's particular way of
expressing love, and helps men and women learn how to fulfill one another's
emotional needs.

With practical suggestions on how to reduce conflict, crucial information on
how to interpret a partner's behavior and methods for preventing emotional
'trash from the past' from invading new relationships, "Men Are from Mars,
Women Are from Venus" is a valuable tool for couples who want to develop
deeper and more satisfying relationships with their partners.